Student life

After 2 years of struggle with my anixety disorder but now I've come to heal almost completely so I finally decided to go back to school ( School for adults ) for finishing my remaining grades that allows me to go to college or university in majoring Apply Mathematics.

Being deaf it's not easy to find a job due to communication is needed with hearing people and I can find a job comes with hand skill and responsability.

I've created my own linkedin but not completely because of some pieces I need to put such as a resume and details which are noticeable for hire.

I can't wait for start my school in january ( after 8th I think )

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Society versus single life

Hello everyone

At first of all, let me introduce myself, I'm Melody deaf geek in late 30's and I'm a ployglot. I lives in Montreal the noise city, Canada the maple leaf land.

My single life:
Being single is freedom but the longer you lives daily with less socially makes things complicated to find someone outside of internet world. I really hate dating sites and I want to have a boyfriend someday with happenstance. So I'm single since 5 years and I'm starting to have enough of my actual status.

My social life versus single life:
I'm not very sociable due to my past of bullying in 2007 that did lose my confidence and happiness but I've struggled without help until 2011 and it's quite long to make turn my life around. I suffered from mild agoraphobia which I fought. I can go out gradually alone because the anixety disorder still resides in me a bit. Anyway, I can fight it to bring my mental more stable and health. I'm halfway to heal. I'm getting better. I takes a pil per day and I'm still going to therapy.

Reach my goal:
I want to find someone in my life first but I put my others priorities: finish my school and learn to love myself first in order to find completely good self-esteem.
I can start to make new friends and we can exchange our emails. I love write. I'd rather not chat directly because this stresses me out and type fast without thinking can make mistakes of things. Hence my clumsy hahaha.

I'm bisexual but I prefer mens over womans because I get along with man easily.

If you are curious or make new friend, welcome!
I have discord server, you can join discord first if you doesn't have an account and exchange an email you can reach me and just ask :)
Tiny problem we cannot post our emails here because I'm following of Disqus rules.

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Finding peace of mind

Since almost two weeks, I have my crush in my mind - almost one track mind but I managed to focus others watch korean drama, read the book and explore the internet.

Normally, I should forget and control of something comes in my head sticking in specific thing, I don't dig much on it then to absent of something will do in 2 - 4 days at most but since it's been almost two weeks. I become insane yet obessed about my crush. I don't want to turn into worse - an obession that can led of a loss of an appetite, sleepless nights and my emotions become confused.

These I wonder more and the more I get crazy without ask him directly:
He is single? Is he interested to me? what does he think of me? Will he accept to date me? To get know more?
I went dig frantically on facebook to find him the I thought that I found him, after I asked him if he works at restaurant '' mon ami '' and I got his reply saying that I'm mistaken. All I could looking, I think my crush might not have a facbook.

I aleardy lost my mind yesterday. Finally, I wrote a confession letter and I was supposed to go at restaurant where he works but due to emotionally exhausted, I stay here. Today? I don't know but eventually, I'm very sure to go there.

Thus far, I decided to wait for handing over my letter to him, I only need my chance to bond in friendly way with him so for creating less awkward between us and I will be able give it.
My letter is sitting and waiting on my desk until I'm ready.

Mind can be very complex and confused, I try my best to not become an obession. I don't like it at all. I keep my healthy mind at my best.

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Connect the dots

I have been busy thank god, I did get outside more often and even I'm excited to move my future  apartement so I can get my own kitten soon.

Since a few days was quite hectic yet improved for me to going make unfinished things allows me to gain my confidence.

Like I said, I have a LOT of unfinished and never too late to fulfill my goals. When I run away from my problems but this can't solve anything left behind. What I mean is to face my own reality and challenge myself will grow into a stable and good life ( ying yang included ).

I have to push my phobias out, it's very difficult to eliminte one by one but I can do my best even though I'm alone. My family support me rarly but my only best friend helps me a bit to overcome them.

Currentlt,  I'm writing a confession letter to someone else. I've been build up some nerve to make a fragile decision for handing over it to my crush in person. Only I saw him twice where he works. So I have to wait until I'm ready to ask his name first. It's not teenage crush but a connection that I feel.

Does this relate to you? I hope I'm not only one having such burden of things.

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Catch up my news

Looks like I've been busy lately but not really quite like that because I watched korean dramas way too much and also I spend my time on a game app "cookie jam " I haven't updated yet my levels, being lazy and cleaning my apt.

It's unhealthy way I live here, thank god, I did visit two apartements last july 22nd so finally I have choosen an apt under stores. I will be luckier if my lease will be signed for this september.

Thanks to my best friends to help me to fill my food, my needs and my positivities. Things seemed have improved in my social life. I went at my friend's party on july 22nd same day I went visiting apts. I was staying longer that I thought, I showed my good attitude even when someone become annoying at me or something I don't get really angry and not even throw a fit. I smiled and laughed throughout the party afternoon and evening! I'm incredibly proud of me, Oh I have 2 new friends it's nice and fun but I'm not fond of being sociable. I'm an introverted person actually. At least, I know how to challenge my agoraphobia but I admit this is not easy to fight it.

I have thought to buy my cellphone next week, hopefully, I will get it because I'm worried if I choose the right one. To use it, I will be able to reach my best friend, landlord etc.... and easier way to access anything on my laptop using my system ( windows 10 requires to connect via email ) My email needs the authentication with cellphone number which I don't have one and so this keeps me things limited. I hate that but it's only way to secure everything

Even though, I'm addicited of Korean dramas, I went at restaurant called " mon ami " for the first time and my very first korean dish: bibimbap, it was very delicious! I love it! Next dish I will see what I want to eat next week.

Since I sit to watch dramas on my laptop way too much, my body is getting unimproved and fat so I aleardy planned to move out here, I will try go brisk outside every morning when I will move to my new apt and I will not have my own internet provider yet in order to improve my budget first then I will get it. No wifi home so I will keep myself busy outside such as go to the place I can use wifi.

I will come back here when I use wifi out there until I get my own internet provider later on :)

Thanks for your time to read this!

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Chain of society breaks

Lately, I've been in pain due to nightmares and things went bad.

I had nightmares about my life in 80's was quite nostalgic for me and I hate talk about my childhood and pictures of me were kid and infant. I usually managed to sleep again after some weird nightmares opposite of my childhood. Expect them with nostalgic makes me unable to sleep again.

At top of all, I've received a deaf girl who I personally don't know, saying that I should stop from contacting her " boyfriend " because she doesn't want him to keep in touch any girl. But I told to not meddle others so instead she should settle things with him. I wish her to stay positive. Thank god, we were worked out in adult way.

Unfortunately, I received a message from her by ANOTHER account of same girl that she blames me for telling everyone about having a boyfriend, she said she would tell world if I had a boyfriend. What kind point over such meaningless things? I only told my best friend. He show me about her on messenger exchanged between them. She said to my best friend that she was going to call the police and called me liar. I don't understand the real reason of her own deed. Of course, I would ignore her but I replied to her : " immature " that's all. I know it's rude but it's only word I really wanted to express before block her.

I felt very cheap and hurtful because I had a flashback of my past which deaf group did bullied me. I was quite depressed, I stayed away from Facebook and finally, I feel better thanks to my best friend :)

I do wish for her to improve her behavior, be more understanding and more nice. I feel bad for her. Friend or foe, I don't blame her. I assume it's from teenage hormones, I have been down road before.

And conclusion, I get moral support from friends :) how nice of them and I love them. I'm lucky to have them who care about me.

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it's Thursday and carry on

Short heatwave has begun today, I will endure without air conditioner in my apartment so I use my 2 small ventilators to keep me from sweat and trouble breathing. Sleeping will be tough, but luckily, I have thought about ice cubes I would put them in an empty box container and my feet will dip in. Feet helps to control my body temperature and not on the forehead. I'm trying to reduce usage of electric thingies here such as lights, TV etc to reduce air heat here.

Brace yourselves in Montreal, the heat will be imminent.

As I finished watching Korean drama all of sixteen episodes : Do Bong Soon Strong woman yesterday. My note review: 10 \ 10. I love it!

I'm watching a another Korean drama" Hyde Jekyll, me '' on episode 1 and looks so interesting to watch Koo Seo Jin a wonderland director are a cold man would turned into sweet man.

Hyde Jekyll, Me

UPDATE:

I didn't feel like to watch '' Hyde Jekyll, me '' because of story about him is psychological. So I'm watching '' The Heirs '' now on episode 1 and it looks better for my mood, the situation about rich boys but some of them are humble and lovable. I can't wait to see how the story goes with poor girl.

The Heirs

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Unfinished Tv show

I was watching " Princess Substitute " but I couldn't finish to watch all because it's somewhat sad about the death and bullies. I think there's way too much drama and I don't laugh much.

Laugh is in my vocabulary, I need to laugh everyday but I don't mind some drama or action it's also better more interesting when there's some good story I can follow.

I'm watching " Strong woman Do Bong Soon " now, It's very interesting like out of ordinary. I laugh so hard at beginning of episode 1 where She beat many evil mans with humor way! Oh no spoilers for you ;) You should watch it yourselves :D

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Got it!

After a amount retry and leveled up without give up and finally I got my own airship challenge 19!
Some levels are tough to go so I guess I'm very obsessed with my game cookie jam lol
Every new airship pop up gives me a motivation to keep playing, but when there's no next airship yet, I play when I feels like ;)

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Airship challenge 19

I'm cookie jam junkie, I plays it everyday and sometimes way too many time in a day. I'm very patient if I can't level up fast enough so I get more lives thanks to my friends!
I got 9 airship challenge, expect classic one and not a challenge airship but original one , I level up fast as I can to get an airship, that's why I can be impatient because usually a new airship pop up and always say FIVE days left to get it

My new goal: Airship challenge 19 The Mothership ( cute girly style ) * Giggles *

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break down

Friday is the worst day, outside raining all day and evening too and I'm very depressed.
I reached out my best friend to talk so I could get better while he was at pizza parlor to pick up his pizza and he said he will be home so we could chat later. I waited so I decided to talk to him again. Turned out he was at friend's place instead of webcam chat with me privately ( chat through our sign language ), I feel very hurt and being abandoned. Because nobody I could rely on and not even my family.

I feel that my life have no meaning. Everyone abandoned me, I want to cheer myself up but I felt that I need someone talk to ( not to psy but true friends who I feel comfortable to talk. )

I drank a vodka bottle all ( 341 ml ) so fast and I went drunk but I managed to relax while playing my game. I started to feel less drunk right now so my headache is starting up and I feel hungry too.

I hope to manage to reduce my depression before I sleep.

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Bug situation

Summer approaches,  bugs has begun to spread around and as usual I chased them away or squash them without mercy. I hate bugs 100%

I'm not really scared of bugs expect venom, But I was about to lie down on my bed watching some stargate sg-1 and I saw a spider in between a ceiling and a wall, I managed to kill it. I startled so easy as if they moved because I hate them jumping on me then unable to find it, Spiders are like ninja, Goddamn it! LOL

Here it's 1:56am :(, I want to sleep before 3am without worrying if more of them coming around here. Still, they are like ninja, Anyway, I believe that I will relax without thinking of these heinous bugs.

Oh don't forget to vote my poll on sidebar on your right. :)

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In absentia UPDATED

UPDATED ------>I feel sad a bit today because of my best friend will be leaving for Toronto may 11th until 14th. A whole weekend without webcam chat, spending food shopping and mall with him etc.

I can wait, I can do my hobbies, And I try do more tummy exercises :)

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Two languages

I'm currently learning in Portuguese and German language. At first, I wanted to learn Mandarin language so it is not in Duolingo program. Instead I could learn Japanese and Korean languages soon as I finished them.

In Duolingo, Japanese and Korean are almost ready to use so I might finish first two then in time, I can proceed two new courses later.

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Jelly Belly

After I went at bank and pharmacy, I bought Jelly Belly at the store, I thought this is all for me only but I've finally decided to put them in a glass jar it's ideal for visitors only.

I'm sure these tastesful jelly bellys would be delighted in their taste buds no?

Do you think this is good idea?

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K-Drama Radiant office

I watched 4 episodes already on tv show Korean drama called '' Radiant office ", is this really an office romance? Or love hate relationship? Will they kiss? I checked on google images and I typed '' Radiant office kiss scene '' , turned out wasn't any in there. Mystery remains.

I will continue to watch but only with my high emotions as I watch them endure at work room's sales marketing and sales team. Oh well how the marketings is. Hence the rudeness,

The truth is what I love the most to watch Asian drams: KISS and LOVE. I'm not into romantic much but I find that the love is beautiful. I also love to watch office drama at most, it's fun to learn how they worked inside.

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Hwan Gi

Hwan Gi is a character as a introverted boss is slowly turned a better person just like I thought.
This comforts me to watch it throughout episodes. I drool this korean tv serie so much ❤

I might binge today but of course I shall take pauses in between and it's not good for me to isolate myself on my desk all day. Thank God I did my laundry this morning and I must do the rest of chores in afternoon.

I must fight my agoraphobia too

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Introverted boss

I started to watch Korean TV '' Introverted boss '' ( shy boss ) yesterday and at first, I was hesitant to continue watching but I noticed Boss has a disorder reminds me of my life before now. It intrigues me more about him.

I was pretty much introverted during teenage days at school and at home. I managed to get outside to play hockey, going rent movies etc....That's how I had my first boyfriend at 16 year-old after boys used to chased after me despite being tomboy. I was slowly learning to interact with people until my 18 year-old, I moved to Montreal on my own apartment alone for first time. And I started to visit my friends, going at association etc, I was a bit sociable. I remember how hard to live all myself, only a year then I moved into a house with bunch for learning to how live in appartement and handle things. It's been many years, I learned from my mistakes and it's normal.

Now, I lives alone without pets but I feel confortable here because I go see my psy, my best friend comes to visit me every weekend. Pets are not allowed here but it's okay because I can save money for things more important such as clothes, food etc.

THANKFUL FOR THE COURAGE!

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A weak havoc

Cutting ties with my mother, my sisters and family mother's side was the hardest decision I've done but it's for my own good.

1983 was my last happy childhood until stepfather came into my mother's life and turned my life upside down. but after birth of my sisters, I was beaten, denied gifts, toys, and discouraged throughout of my childhood. So basically, they stole my happiness and they should share. But my grandma did spoiled me and I was the attention center due to lack of unconditional love from family. 

My early adulthood didn't flourished as well, I was constantly stolen by my mother and my sisters of my things and money and I stole them back so nothing learned the lesson. I moved out my own at 18 year-old was my last straw with my mother. 

My adulthood is very slowing in transition into a quiet and lone happiness life. Not happy enough because I get my childhood flashbacks and haunted by nostalgia feelings. At some point, a month ago, I finally decided to cut them in order to end my sufferings and my nostalgia.
 

Now here where I am, I feel a huge release the darkness inside me I held so long. My flashbacks are starting to reduce gradually.

I keep in touch with my father, my family's father's side. They understand me better and treat me like honest and positive girl.

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Japanese manga

Some of you know about Japanese manga, it's a book like comic book you read. It's quite popular, even you can find these in the stores near you ( Most in cities ).

I want to talk about '' Itazura na Kiss '' the original, a remake of book which I watched three differents versions on Netflix, these versions : Taiwanese ( Miss in Kiss ), Japanese ( Mischievous kiss ) and South Korea ( playful kiss ). It's hard to say which I like the most but I can say that I love all of them.
Two additional version I haven't watched yet: " It started with a kiss " and " They kiss again " both are Taiwanese TV series. In three different versions are similar but some scene that I was unexpected, it was really nice and interesting.

I love romance drama with a good rational and preservation. Many silly things makes me laugh

Tell me which is your favorite?

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Transition from my other blog

Hello!

I used my other blog but the design is somewhat limited due some upgrade is need ( these aren't free ). I tried to change fonts, arranges things in sidebars etc so I get only to change themes. 

What a bummer.

Here I am on my actual blog, you can read here more posts.

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